The single gayest music video isn't by The Village People. It isn't by George Michael or Boy George. It's not even by a man. The gayest music video ever made is Bonnie Tyler's 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'.

The entire video starts in what appears to be a castle. One can only assume that Ms. Tyler has been kidnapped by Tim Curry or possibly Meat Loaf, as the video reminds me of Rocky Horror and every single video Meat Loaf has ever made. I have watched the video six times now. I'm still expecting a motorcycle at any moment. Driving a motorcycle through a castle is basically the only schtick Mr. Loaf has.

The first few minutes feature Ms. Tyler, wearing all white in an mostly white room. There are enough candles and decorative bottles for one to assume that an interior design terrorist detonated himself at some point. And at 23 seconds in, there are balls swinging from the ceiling. I'm just saying.

Stevie NicksBonnie Tyler stands at her window, moving her head back and forth as if she's lip syncing, yet not moving her lips as her lace curtains blow dangerously close to roughly $400 of the best candles the Newark Pier 1 has to offer. Bonnie runs out of her room, perhaps to escape the cloying scent of patchouli pomegranate tuscan spice candles. Dear SteBonnie, it's fruitless. Those are not the only open flames you'll find in this place. Far, far from it.

Bonnie NiTyler walks down the hallway of the castle/school and comes across a series of open doors, each with red silk chiffon curtains blowing in the the strongest wind machines that power ballads can buy. Behind the first door, boys sit at desks, staring at Bonnie as if she has interrupted something. She has... the boy on the far right has his shirt completely unbuttoned.

Bonnie quickly moves on to the next door, where a young boy throws poultry at her. Obviously Ms. Tyler wasn't in on this part of the storyboarding for her video. Further down the hall, boys in speedos stand close together as they are splashed with a bucket of water. Bonnie heads off into the chapel. Because nothing gay ever happens in a church.

That's when the Ninjas strike. Dancing ninjas. It's at this point that the video just breaks down into a series of stereotypes.

Bonnie witnesses a table full of well dressed young men sing to one another as they drink. Gymnasts tumble with one another, wrestlers collide with one another. Fencers engage in a little sword play, Football players tackle one another, but apparently all their jerseys are in the laundry. Young men in black leather stand really close together and fondle their own chests and asses. The entire time, Bonnie sings about how much she needs you more than ever. I mean, the love she's longing for seems to be unrequited. Bonnie, I hate to break it to you. Your heart isn't the only thing being eclipsed.

It's interesting to note that the lyric sang as the leather boys fondle themselves is "I'm always in the dark." Bonnie, there's a difference between not seeing and not admitting. I mean... when the four football players literally stopped rubbing together and ran away, letting you collide with a mirror... it should have been a clue.

Now our video starts to break down... Bonnie runs away, the boys start throwing food at one another, the fencers take off their masks to release a torrent of yellow liquid. Frankly, we're not even going to attempt to decipher that part. But it ain't sweat. And they're not the only damp boys.

Then... this happens:

That's right. A creepy boy choir, made up of the same boys who were earlier pressing against one another shirtless and wet. Oh... and the youngest is really light on his feet.

It's all down hill now... The choirboys attack Bonnie, trying to bring down her estrogen oppression. They're assisted by dancing boys in loincloths. And an angel. As Bonnie, obviously overcome, puts a hand to her forehead, head hung in shame and bewilderment, the scene shifts to daylight.

Bonnie shakes hands with the boys, and one does the creepy glowing eye thing as he sings 'Turn around, Bright Eyes'. Then all the boys run into the building gleefully with a much older man.

Bonnie is left alone, in the cold.

This is the only image officially recognized by the Library of Congress as "Homoerotic". Thus, this is the only photo in the entire country that the US Government feels is "kinda gay."

It is, however, not the only one tagged for Shirtless. The rest just aren't gay.

Thanks, Shelybean.

Watch for it, at 2:20. She clearly says, "The man who murdered Osama bin Laden."

I have used your products for quite a while. I greatly dislike traditional stick deodorants and was pleased when I first discovered your body sprays.

My personal favorite scent has long been Kilo, though my introduction to it involved the can going off in my hand at the grocery store. My eyes were suddenly bloodshot since I had basically maced myself on Aisle 6 of the Food Lion. I immediately made matters worse by saying "God, I got Kilo up my nose." The police officer who happened to walk down the aisle at that time was not amused.

The hair triggers on those old cans were a bad thing. I greatly appreciated it when you redesigned the can with a safety. The need to slide the button up in order to engage it kept me from wasting cans of AXE in the bottom of my gym bag.

Recently you redesigned your cans again. Now, instead of pressing a button or sliding the button up and then pressing it, I must slide down a large plastic ring and then press the button. Sadly the button can be pressed while the ring is in the up position, returning me to the original problem I had with your product: wasted product due to the button being pressed accidently.

That is not to say the new package is bad. It does have some entertainment value as it takes an unfamiliar person a few moments to discover how to access the product. The fact is, I tend to use your product first thing in the morning, when I'm not generally in the mood to solve puzzles. Will the next package redesign involve a Rubik's Cube or perhaps some sort of incendiary device?

I have purchased three bottles of AXE Kilo bodyspray since the new package design. It is not that I use a lot of your deodorant, I'm not an extremely odorus or sweaty person. The problem is that each of the cans I have purchased has been defective. The nozzle of each of the three bottles is partially blocked by the housing it is in. This results in the spray being blocked and going everywhere.

Since I have tried your new package design, I find that I get far more of the product on my hand than I do my armpit. I notice your new package states that AXE is an all-over bodyspray. Is this a sly reference to the fact that I have absolutely no control of when and where your product will end up?

I recently learned that your product was developed in South Africa. I am sure, much like Apartheid, that it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Best of luck in the future,
Robert Mungo

Apparently not: The Dude is stalking me.

I'm about to leave work and Jordan Catalano Jared Leto is standing at the register, wearing a hoodie (with the hood up) with a tshirt over the hoodie and his silver crocs. And he was wearing white socks under his crocs.

Kim has seen him in the store and came to tell me because she felt that I was the only one who would appreciate the fact that Jordan Catalano Jared Leto was in the store. Since we had to tell everyone else in the store who he was, I don't think Jordan Catalano Jared Leto needed to worry about keeping the hood up.

Kim whispers to me "When I came out of the backroom, I saw him and I wanted to say "Hey! You were on My So Called Life!"

I look at her, and in all seriousness say "You know he has a band right? He's done other things and all you can think of is 'Hey, you knew Claire Danes when she had a career!'"

About that time, Jordan Catalano's Jared Leto's friends walked behind me.

So... yeah.

Go, Team Elijah!